So I have to admit the last few days I've felt some hesitance creeping in.. hesitance to gain more weight. I feel like i've really noticed the difference in my body and its kinda exciting, but kinda terrifying simultaneously.
I like to think I can overcome societal pressure, but there are times when it gets the best of me, especially when I have a girlfriend who so clearly despises weight gain, at least on herself. I think part of it was watching her nearly have a nervous breakdown last night over not fitting in some old dresses of hers. And she is SOOO beautiful too. To watch her agonize over her body and hate herself like that hurts me... and to have her brush off my comments and not give any consideration to my opinion also hurts. It just was a bad experience.
And I think it scared me off some. I don't want her to be less attracted to me. I really don't. I still could gain that last 12 lbs and see how it goes... just to do it, and I probably will, but its still scary.
I guess being "skinny" (I'm not even that skinny) does get me a lot of attention and compliments and it is kinda hard to let that go. I can already tell me belly is sticking out more. I can tell my neck and even back is thicker. I can tell some pants are tighter. And that's just from the 8 lbs. The one thing I really LOVE about being heavier is that my face filled out more. It's subtle change but I think look so much cuter. I was starting to have the sunken in look which.. ew yucky
So I was 145 again this morning. In fact, I've been 145 for several days in a row now, and maybe that's okay. Maybe I just need to adjust and think about this.
I do have a history of feeling conflicted and then giving into my desires, flipping back and forth, over and over, so I can't say that I didn't expect this... but that also means that I can expect a desire to gain again to re-emerge with a vengeance.
I guess we'll see what happens.
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2 comments:
keep at it, your inner desires are something that need to be followed and if you leave them because of other oppinions, you may start to question their loyalty or even love.
if they love you for you, then they wont mind a few extra pounds, especially if your happyer.
do the 12lbs and see what happens if things start going downhill, then make a decision, but for now, follow what you want to do.
your life, your body, your happyness in yourself.
hope that helps. x x
Yes, ultimately I will and I know it.. but there is a time for everything.. I have to admit i'm feeling the new weight now and noticing it on me and its like whoooaaa.. this is really happening? I don't know, kinda opened my eyes.
To be honest, I don't know if I CAN stop now... every time I eat and i want to shove in as much as I can in hopes for that extra pound the next morning...
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