I've known for years that I was attracted to curvy girls.. even heavy girls sometimes, and definately transformation. I think transformation has lead to some other pretty recent life changes and now its manifesting itself in the form of weight gain. I've just become really interested in it over the last few years. Actually, I think I always have been but I've sorta pushed it away.
Finding Others
Well, about a week ago I started exploring this part of me online and I've discovered many other people who feel the same! It's been really nice to be able to talk and share about my feelings and desires and its really made me feel alive again, the way only self acceptance and exploration can.
My Weight and My Desires
So basically, I've kinda wanted to gain weight for a long time. I've wondered what it would be like to be chubby or even fat. I've never really been chubby in my whole life. I'm 5'8" and weighed 125 lbs in highschol and 140 lbs in college. I had a couple times when I went up to 155 lbs but became disgusted with myself and would exercize, diet, and half starve myself back down to 140 lbs. So in the last few years I've mostly hovered in the 145 lbs range. And when I get sick I actually lose weight. Most recently, I've gone down to 137 lbs as of yesterday, and I appear to be stable in the upper 130's for the last couple weeks.
I've actually been shooting to be stable around 135 for quite awhile, but I've been thinking about changing this. About following my desires finally and allowing myself to start gaining weight, purposely. I would love to take lots and lots of pictures and measurements so that I could analyze exactly how my body changes as I gain. It honestly, really turns me on to think about it actually! And as messed up as that is, I think its good for other reasons too.
Should I Follow My Heart?
In the past, I've been better at following my heart. I think I've swallowed my desires hard and gone back to caring what others think about me, and living my life the way others want me to. I don't know when I got so weak again, but this is a way for me to take control again. I doubt I'll find any support for what I want to do from my girlfriend or family or coworkers or even friends, because they don't have the same interest in it. I don't know. They wouldn't understand, and what's worse, is the way society so looks down on it. But that's exactly why this could be good for me. To shun all that, what they think, the taboo nature of this, and do it for myself and anyone who is willing to support me. For anyone reading this who understands how I feel, and supports what I'm doing.. your encouragement is very welcome! I have to face facts. I'm not strong. In my weak moments, I need to know I have support and people behind me to remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. I guess you could say I've been through something similar to this before...
A Decision to Gain.. a little
So I've considered this for a little while now and I haven't made any major decisions, but I have decided to go ahead and gain 20 lbs. I've been 155 lbs before, and I remember starting to feel a tiny bit chubby. Of course that freaked me out though and just had to be skinny again. So I'm 137 now, and 157 would be the heaviest I've ever been. I know its not a lot, but that feels like a big step to say I'm going to get there. It feels really good to say it even, even though I'm honestly kinda scared. I mean, this time, I know I won't have the willpower to lose it again like I have in the past. I don't think I could, knowing that I've always done that for fear of what others and the outside world would think.. mainly that they wouldn't find me as attractive anymore...
Could I really make that my goal, to please others, after this self realization/exploration? So I guess I'm kinda scared, bc I'm pretty sure when I do reach that goal, I'll probably exceed it, since I seem to naturally gain weight if I don't watch what I eat (and portions)... and well I'll definately be staying there for who knows how long.
I've Always Been The Skinny One
I've always been "skinny" or thought of as "skinny". Its kinda scary to think of me as the chubby one. My sister has always been about 20 lbs heavier than me for example (and same height), and now SHE'S lost that xtra 20 and is finally my weight. How am I going to deal with being the chubby one, with the tables turned. Of course, really, I'll be happy about it, but she'll no doubt comment on it and pick on me and insinuate that she's not only the skinny one, but the PRETTY one now. Can I handle that? I like to think that I can, but I can't say it won't bother me at least a little. It's nice being thought of as attractive, and unfortunately, this world for whatever reason, has equated attractiveness with being skinny, esp in regards to chicas. I've been "priveleged" in a sense, because I've fit the bill rather naturally, but what is it going to feel like when I've stepped outside of that?
I guess that can conclude my first entry. I have a lot more to say and think about and share, but its probably not a bad thing to save some for later. Thanks if you've read this. I really appreciate it.
