Day 20: A confession

I'm actually embarrassed to admit this honestly, but I've been saying I'm vegan since about mid-April when I changed my diet and started avoiding almost all dairy products as well as meat. I had already been vegetarian for almost a year and was a decision I did not take lightly.

I'm going to get into why I decided to go vegan(ish) right now, but I will say when I decided to start gaining weight, I also decided I would secretly indulge in fast food, which I've worked so hard to get away from over the past year and a half. So I found myself secretly pulling into drive-thrus and getting cheap double cheeseburgers between meals cuz I figured, it would help me gain. Well, I think that's true! But there's been 2 problems with it.

#1 is that I do feel guilty and horrible about it now. I pride myself on my dietary choices and I have compromised them many times over the last 2 weeks. I feel like a hypocrite, and while I've never been one for strict labels (I've always eaten meat once or twice a month anyway, I'll talk about that decision later though), I feel like I really have abandoned some of my core beliefs and values and I'm not sure it's worth it. I even sent in this Post Secret card about it.



#2 is that it has made my physically ill. One day I ate 2 double cheeseburgers and I felt sick the rest of the night. All I could do was lay down. And yesterday I snuck one again and almost got to the point of nausea. Then this morning, I thought I might throw up so my point is.. that this isn't working anyway. My body is not happy with me. A lot of the vibrancy I felt from eating a healthy vegan diet is disappearing and is being replaced with that too familiar sluggishness I used to feel in years past. Is this really what I want?

So I guess the secret's out.

At this point I want to get back to eating vegan, or at least vegetarian. I've always said I would be content to eat 90% vegan and the rest vegetarian. I think its time for me to reinforce that goal of mine. I know I'll definately feel a lot better.. and yes, I know its more challenging to gain weight on a vegan diet, but it's totally doable. I'll find a way if I want to make it happen.

And by the way, I weighed 144 this morning. I haven't weighed above that since I've started so maybe tomorrow. I haven't eaten a whole lot today though on account that I've felt sick from eating crap fast food! ugh Enough is enough.